论文部分内容阅读
Martin Luther King said： “I have a dream. I dream of black ethnic equality.” Yes！ Everyone has their own dream. And I also have a dream.
When I was in primary school， my dream is that I want to have a PE class. When I was in junior school， I dreamed of becoming a dancer. Now， in senior high school， I dream that my shoulder can hold up a family in the future.
Actual the dream can make a wonderful life， regardless of its size. Our Chinese dream is big. But if everyone follow their dreams， the dream of people is a beautiful large Chinese dream.
Our beautiful dreams can build splendid Chinese dream. Let’s work together to paint a beautiful blueprint.
王 佳老师点评：
本文篇幅适中，内容较充实，小作者以细腻的笔触写出了自己对梦想的追求，以巧妙的形式对文章结构进行了精心的安排，给人以跌宕起伏之感。首先运用了Martin Luther King的名句引出Everyone has their own dreams. And I also have a dream.（作文主题） 然后，小作者毫无保留地向我们展现了她成长过程中重要的三段时期（primary school， junior school， senior high school）的梦想，并且告诉我们，梦想是不分大小的，有梦想才最重要。最后，也是这篇文章最为可贵之处，小作者通过Our Chinese dream is big. But if everyone follow their dreams， the dream of people is a beautiful large Chinese dream这两句话将文章内容推向高潮，从自己的小梦想升华到大梦想，那就是中国梦。并呼吁我们所有人朝着自己的梦想出发，共同为祖国绘制出美丽的蓝图，筑造绚丽的中国梦。（亮点）
另外，小作者能综合运用所学词组和句型，如词组：dream of， hold up a family， regardless of 等。如句型： When I was in primary school， my dream was that I want to have a PE class.（表语从句） Now， in senior high school， I dream that my shoulders can hold up a family in the future.（宾语从句） But if everyone always follow their dreams， the dream of one billion four hundred million people is a beautiful large Chinese dream.（条件状语从句）小作者能在高一期间写出这样的文章，实属难得。
当然，文中也难免出现几处错误，如名词的单复数形式不对，词性使用不当， 时态混乱， 连贯性欠缺。特作修改如下，使此文更加准确生动。
Martin Luther King said： “I have a dream. I dream of black ethnic equality.” Yes！ Everyone has their own dreams. And I also have a dream.
When I was in primary school， my dream was to have a PE class. When I was in junior school， I dreamed of becoming a dancer. Now， in senior high school， I dream that my shoulders can hold up a family in the future.
Actually the dream can make a wonderful life， regardless of its size. Our Chinese dream is big. But if everyone follows their dreams， the dream of people is a beautiful large Chinese dream.
Let’s work together to paint a beautiful blueprint. Our beautiful dreams can build a splendid Chinese dream！
When I was in primary school， my dream is that I want to have a PE class. When I was in junior school， I dreamed of becoming a dancer. Now， in senior high school， I dream that my shoulder can hold up a family in the future.
Actual the dream can make a wonderful life， regardless of its size. Our Chinese dream is big. But if everyone follow their dreams， the dream of people is a beautiful large Chinese dream.
Our beautiful dreams can build splendid Chinese dream. Let’s work together to paint a beautiful blueprint.
王 佳老师点评：
本文篇幅适中，内容较充实，小作者以细腻的笔触写出了自己对梦想的追求，以巧妙的形式对文章结构进行了精心的安排，给人以跌宕起伏之感。首先运用了Martin Luther King的名句引出Everyone has their own dreams. And I also have a dream.（作文主题） 然后，小作者毫无保留地向我们展现了她成长过程中重要的三段时期（primary school， junior school， senior high school）的梦想，并且告诉我们，梦想是不分大小的，有梦想才最重要。最后，也是这篇文章最为可贵之处，小作者通过Our Chinese dream is big. But if everyone follow their dreams， the dream of people is a beautiful large Chinese dream这两句话将文章内容推向高潮，从自己的小梦想升华到大梦想，那就是中国梦。并呼吁我们所有人朝着自己的梦想出发，共同为祖国绘制出美丽的蓝图，筑造绚丽的中国梦。（亮点）
另外，小作者能综合运用所学词组和句型，如词组：dream of， hold up a family， regardless of 等。如句型： When I was in primary school， my dream was that I want to have a PE class.（表语从句） Now， in senior high school， I dream that my shoulders can hold up a family in the future.（宾语从句） But if everyone always follow their dreams， the dream of one billion four hundred million people is a beautiful large Chinese dream.（条件状语从句）小作者能在高一期间写出这样的文章，实属难得。
当然，文中也难免出现几处错误，如名词的单复数形式不对，词性使用不当， 时态混乱， 连贯性欠缺。特作修改如下，使此文更加准确生动。
Martin Luther King said： “I have a dream. I dream of black ethnic equality.” Yes！ Everyone has their own dreams. And I also have a dream.
When I was in primary school， my dream was to have a PE class. When I was in junior school， I dreamed of becoming a dancer. Now， in senior high school， I dream that my shoulders can hold up a family in the future.
Actually the dream can make a wonderful life， regardless of its size. Our Chinese dream is big. But if everyone follows their dreams， the dream of people is a beautiful large Chinese dream.
Let’s work together to paint a beautiful blueprint. Our beautiful dreams can build a splendid Chinese dream！